While on a journey, any journey, it is important to take inventory of yourself along the way. What are you trying to accomplish? Who are you, really? Have you changed, do you want to, do you need to? Why? I ask myself this a lot, meditate on what it all means…all that schmarmy (I don’t think that’s a word) stuff I’m sure you all are rolling your eyes at. So this sums it up in…here are 10 things I have found help tremendously…take it for what it’s worth.
1. Let go of comparing.
Who cares if you aren’t as skinny as your friend. That chick at the gym has bigger biceps than you. Lady at Kroger has pants that fit her the way you wish yours did. Her hair looks nice, mine doesn’t. I’m a mess. She’s wearing make-up and she has three kids…should I be wearing make-up too? WHO CARES. You are different from every one else you meet. And ultimately, what makes YOU comfortable during the day, at the gym, at the store, in your car, is what you should roll with. Don’t compare yourself to other people, it really is not worth it.
2. Let go of competing.
Oh this is hard. I love to lift weights…and I may be a little competitive about it. Maybe. But…I’ve learned to let that go. I am not as strong now as I’m going to be in six months, twelve months. I am getting stronger every day. I am increasing weight every week. I am doing the best that I can, not the best that someone else can.
3. Let go of judgements.
I don’t judge people. I know better. I’ve been judged all my life for various reasons. It made me self-conscious, anxious, afraid, outspoken and timid at the same time. I refuse to pass judgement on people. Unless of course you are a murderer or rapist or child molester. Or you do drugs instead of hanging out with your kids. I will judge you with the rest of society. But if you are at the gym, I don’t care if you’re 100 pounds or 400 pounds. You are doing more than everyone else that is sitting at home.
4. Let go of anger.
This has been tough for me. I’ve been angry at myself for a long time. Every pound I gained over the last ten years has made me angry. Every fast food burger I ate, every large size Coke I drank….all of it made me angry. Angry at myself that I was doing it, knowing the consequences, and I didn’t care. I wasn’t concerned with it. Which leads us to…
5. Let go of regrets.
Yeah. I’m still trying. It’s hard to work so hard knowing that all of it is your fault. You did it. No one crammed food in my face. No one made me eat this way. I chose to. It was choices I made for years, they all turned into regrets. I’m now trying to let them go and focus on the good things I’m doing to right all of my wrongs.
6. Let go of worrying.
Can’t do this overnight. I’m focusing on letting go of the petty worries right now. “Are people staring at me?” “What do they think?” “Do I look stupid doing this?” One of my middle school science teachers used to tell me, “If it won’t matter in five years, then don’t worry about it.” I should remember that more often.
7. Let go of blame.
I blamed a lot of circumstances on my weight gain. A lot of it being my daughter’s time in the hospital. Yes it is more convenient and cheap to eat poorly in a hospital. I know, how ironic. But just because it’s easier does not make it the only option. It just means that my husband and I have to work harder to maintain our lifestyle while she’s there.
8. Let go of guilt.
(This is me being vulnerable.) My father and I hadn’t seen each other in nine months, or spoke for three, before he died four years ago. It was my decision over matters I prefer to keep to myself. At the time, it was absolutely the right decision and was necessary. Regardless, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel some kind of guilt over the way things were, and the way they should have been. That guilt fueled a lot of my night time binges. I didn’t feel worthy of anything good in my life for about 30 minutes and would eat to feel better. I’m learning slowly that it’s okay to be sad about what happened, but not guilty. I made my decisions based upon the actions of someone else, and made them with my family’s best interest in the forefront of my mind. I can’t feel guilty about that. I’m trying now to transition those feelings into something constructive for myself.
9. Let go of fear.
I’m afraid of being thin. I’m afraid of not having these extra 100 pounds to fall back on. Everything negative, every bad decision, every negative thought, every reason I was too scared to try anything new, rested in those extra pounds. I’m afraid people won’t think I’m as likable or funny because I’m thinner and more fit. I’m afraid of never getting there. I’m afraid all of this fear will deter me and make me eat. I’m afraid of this journey, I’m terrified. But I’m going to be brave. As I told my daughter when she asked me why I called her brave all the time, “You’re brave because even though you’re scared, you do it. When you’re terrified, you dig deep into some place inside and keeping going forward. Some people never get a chance to be that brave.”
10. Have a belly laugh.
Every day. Because I do something absolutely ridiculous because I have forgotten one of the above things.
*I related these to my weight loss journey and that alone. This is not a reflection on parenting, or relationships, or anything else. I was just trying to share my stories in case someone could relate and realize they are not alone. Every other aspect of my life (mother, wife, sister, daughter) needs attention paid to these things as well, but my blog is not about those relationships….well not right now at least. 🙂
Hello...skinny me? Are you there? 