I planned it. I knew I was going to do it. I knew it was wrong. I knew I’d be ashamed. But…I did it anyways.
I left early to go to the gym one morning last week. Before you applaud…I left 30 minutes earlier than I had to because I went to Hardee’s. I got a biscuit. There were hashbrowns. And a Coke. I knew I shouldn’t have it. I knew how it would make me feel and I stopped anyways. I agonized over it in line, felt ashamed while I was eating, incredibly guilty after. Still made that decision. Stuck with it.
I’ve analyzed my food decisions since I can remember. I am so aware of what’s healthy for me, what upsets my digestive system, what I should avoid at all costs. I would say 80% of the time I’m so good about staying on par. I like to eat with my friends, I don’t shy away from having a drink with company. These things I don’t feel bad about at all. But I still sneak bad decisions. And I don’t tell anyone about them. It’s like a dirty secret. So now I’m putting it public.
For those of you who make time-to-time bad decisions and feel guilty…I understand. What’s important is owning those decisions and not pretending as though they never happened. The more you own them, the more you realize you don’t want them to be your decisions any more.
Food addiction is real. I know people laugh at the idea…and I’m in no way comparing it to someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. It has it’s own place in the addiction spectrum. But people who suffer true food addiction know what it’s like. You think about where you’re going to get that secret food you’ve longed for, and how you’re going to do it with no one there because you don’t want anyone knowing that you’re eating it. It’s hard to break that habit without a lot of support and people keeping you honest. I’m thankful to have that.
This weekend I got pink eye. At the same time I had an issue with cold sores due to a lowered immune system from stress and aforementioned pink eye. I was so out of my mind. I felt uncomfortable in my own skin….like I didn’t belong there. I felt ugly, I felt embarrassed, I felt all of these things that are trigger emotions for me wanting to eat. So I did what any 30 year old does. I called my mama. I told her everything…how I wanted to cram a bunch of chips down, I wanted to eat so bad and give my diet the middle finger. I felt deceived by my body. I was working out and treating it right. Giving it tons of water and protein and it let me down. Let all of these things happen to my face, made me feel like a monster. Made me self-aware. With all her knowledge and wisdom, knowing me the way she does she said, “Don’t you dare think of doing any of that. I’m eyes on you all day, even from at work. Stick with it.”
I did.
Hello...skinny me? Are you there? 